Circles

Since my last blog, I hadn’t let JB go completely. I decided to not do anything, but sit back and watch him. I had also prayed about it. I asked that if I’m supposed to let JB go, make him go away. He didn’t leave. Instead, I got daily messages from JB. Can a leopard really change his spots? Perhaps…

The thing about dealing with JB is I never know which side of him I’m going to get from one day to the next. One minute, he’s caring and sensitive. The next, he’s a complete idiot. So, I got messages ranging from him asking me to borrow money to a simple hello to if I can send him some topless pics of me. (sigh).

Last night, I asked what his life plan was. Where he wanted to be in ten years. He said he didn’t know and that’s why he needed a woman like me in his life to bring him structure. I told him. I can’t do that for him, that he needed to find that within himself first. He said he was happy but that he needed to find someone like me who will stand by him when he does “dumb shit.”

I was almost flattered (almost). Until I processed his words. He said “someone like me” and “a woman like me.” He didn’t say me. Having been a ‘tester’ for so many men over the years, I know that’s not what I want to be. For once, I don’t want to meet someone who is looking for someone like me, but is looking for me. The question is: how do I get that to happen?

JB asked me if I’ve given up on him. I told him that we can be friends, but I can’t be with him because I don’t want to keep going in circles like this. This, I told him, is also part of his pattern. That he straightens up for awhile, until he gets bored or until someone shiny walks by and he’s gone. And when he realizes it’s not as rosy over there, he comes back and expects me to be there for him. I told him that I can’t do that anymore. He said that he understands how I feel because he does do that but he’s a good person.

That’s where the conversation ended. A few years ago, I was in a two year relationship with a guy I’ll call HP. JB reminds me a lot of HP. HP was kinds but broke all the time. He had a house but it was one gust of wind away from falling over. I meet him on the bus and he was so not what I was looking for, but decided to give him a try.

He called me the best girlfriend he ever had, but in the two years we were together, but I could say the same about him. HP never once allowed me to meet his family. I was ushered out the door if his mother was coming over that day. Once, he got mad at me because he got lost trying to find my new apartment. (Of course, him getting lost while walking was my fault). After we had been dating for one year, I sprained my ankle while on my way to work. I ran into him on the bus when I was on my way to the ER. Did he get off the bus to help me? No.

The final straw (I know I should have kicked him to the curb then, but…) was when he suggested that I take lessons at a firing range because some people were after him. Now, as a country girl, I already know how to shoot guns but he kept insisting, so I told him that I was done and out. Of course, he couldn’t understand why I was leaving him.

The thing is, I’m not looking for these guys. I happy focusing on myself, taking myself to IHOP for breakfast or Red Robin for lunch and one pops up. Is there some type of repellent that I can get? Or, how do I get off this ride so that Mr. right can get to me and I don’t have to go stand by the Naval Yard like I plan to do if things don’t change soon?