Wednesday, September 21, 2011

When To Let Go...

On my last blog, I revealed how I get my messages from the universe through songs. The songs on replay this week were “How to love” by Lil Wayne and “Holding on” by Wild Orchid (Fergie’s old group).  An odd combination (or maybe not). I didn’t know what the message was about or referring to until yesterday.
Previously, I mentioned that I was talking to an old friend who I’ll call JB. We’ve been on and off again for a long time and now we are back off again. How can an innocent ‘hello’ text from someone blow up into a World War III type crisis? Here’s how:
For the past three days, I’ve been talking to JB, trying to maintain a civil friendship.  And we were cordial.  First let me say that JB is a good guy, or he tries to be. At times, he can be caring and attentive but there is a side of him that always needs to be in control and in the two years we’ve been talking, I have never seen that side, until yesterday.
So, when I got busy and didn’t have time to stop and say ‘hello’ to him, he became upset.  I told him I was busy. Fine.  He asked me if I wanted to go away with him one weekend. I said we could hang out but we weren’t going to have sex during the trip. He blew up and accused me of ‘agreeing’ to his terms previously (his terms were that if I liked him, I’d have sex with him whenever he wanted). To this, I told him that I wasn’t ready for that and if he didn’t like it, the door was on the left
(Let me say that I have already had sex with him, but when I realized that I wanted more, if not from him than someone who was worthy, I put an end to it.  At the time, we both made it clear that we weren’t together, but when I approached him on the subject of being exclusive, he said that he wanted to keep his options open. This is when I put an end to it and stopped talking to him.)
After I told him no during yesterday’s conversation, he showed the side of himself that I’d always suspected was there, but hadn’t seen. He said that if I liked him (like not love him) then there should be no boundaries between us. That he was in control. What he said goes and he was the boss. To his I told him that I don’t like to be controlled and he needed to leave me alone.  He said he wasn’t controlling me but that I needed to be guided. (Huh?) To which I said that I was done. That if he was going to act like this when we were just friend that there was no hope and I was out. He said he didn’t want to lose me, that I was the only woman he trusted and that he didn’t know how to love. He said that he’ll change and apologized for his behavior.
Now, if I had done this to him, he would’ve dropped me faster than I could count, yet, for two years, I’ve allowed him to come in and out of my live to prove (not to me but to him) that he was worthy of love.  As I said once, sometimes lessons are repeated until you get it. Do I give him another chance or is it finally (beyond) time to let go? (of course as I type this, he just sent me a ‘hello’ text. Sigh.)
 Last week, I had a dream about JB. In it, we were on a hill top. The sky was dark and people were rushing around us, preparing for an upcoming disaster. During the chaos, he left and didn’t come back (though he said he would).  A few nights later, I dreamt that the sky was bright and I couldn’t wait to be alone with my dream guy. My dream guy wasn’t JB.
 Perhaps, I’ve been looking for a reason to stay with JB instead of looking for an exit.  So now, a new song is playing in my head : “Should I stay or should I go” by the Clash.


  1. From a woman whose been through a controlling relationship--get out before it's too late. Sounds harsh, I know. And easier said than done, but you don't want to be somebody's maid/servant/sounding board--without it being mutual. Good luck


  3. I see your The Clash, and I raise you a Pink Floyd - Run Like Hell. I will always be wary of a man who needs to er 'guide' and more so of a man who needs everything on his terms or that's it. But that's me. I've got a free 'Get Out Of There' travel card. And you know what feels right to you. What's your gut telling you??

  4. Girlfriend, you don't need him. He just wants what he wants and has no interest in what you want. That is so obvious. Look for a gentleman who will treat you like the queen that you are. You deserve a man who will treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. If he really was a man of integrity, he would have respected the boundaries you gave him and accepted them and you would have your weekend coming up with him. Show him the door forever and find your dream man.

  5. you already know what i think now...i'll call you back later tonight.


  7. RW... Let it go and let it be as my Grammy would say. There is nothing less fulfilling than not being fulfilled. There really isn't an easy exit strategy, some things just have to be done cold turkey, and that is what you have to do in this case. Anything else will keep you in the dark, like your dream. I think the dream says it all but to reiterate Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?.." ~Marianne Williamson - If this relationship doesn't make you feel all of those things or adds to those things...get out...

  8. I think you already know the answer. Perhaps you just need validation. No matter how "nice" he is--the control part is unhealthy. Do not fall into the trap. It is one that grips you, releases you, lures you back and then bites. Hard.
    Run. Move on to that bright sky.

  9. Going what I just read and what the others are saying, you should get out now before you start to actually develop real feelings for him. Because he might use that to his advantage.

  10. I've had a similar situation and I'm still "recovering" from him. The one that walks in and out of your life with no real answers---If you can't trust or count on him when you need him, It can't be worth it.

  11. you said that perhaps you were looking to 'stay' with JB but from your words and his actions, it doesn't seem like you were ever 'together.'

    It seems as if he wants a stepford i'd advise let him go find one...
    the thing about being in charge/being the leader is that you have to be ready to take the blame/the fall...and when it comes to intimate relationships the one in charge should be ready to lay down his/her life for the one they are the stewards of...just my two cents